married in 1998

we met in 1994. nothing romantic. just met at a family gathering.
engaged in 1997
married in Feb 1998
first child born in Nov 1998 (exactly 9 months later!)
we were joined at the hip for the first 5 years, but i didn't really know what i wanted from life, didn't really know who i was... so i went with the flow. became a submissive housewife with no opinions of my own.

second child born in 2002. still trying to find myself. beginning to feel suffocated and frustrated.

moved to June London 2005.  this is where it gets interesting. husband stayed with us for one month, he had a visa for 6 months, but wanted to go back to work, preferring to leave me to it until he got the resident's permit. which, by the way, i had to sort out.
living in London with 2 kids trying to get a decent job to be able to sponsor husband so he could live with us.

2006: started working for very high profile org. boss was great, but paranoid. colleagues were jealous and mean. always trying to trip me up.

2007: started having an affair with ... won't say.
 it was a roller coaster emotionally. he was crazy about me, i was crazy about him, but we both had to be so careful. we both had families that would get hurt etc. and our boss would not have been happy.

2008: husband finally has resident's permit. comes to live with us again. 
Note: he did not visit between June 2005 and April 2008. why? "it would cost too much money". is it unreasonable for me to want to be more important to him than some money??????? i was feeling alone and vulnerable and needing some love. i did not have any friends or a supportive family around me. i was depressed - taking prescription medication for depression. and he doesn't want to waste some money to come visit me. money or love - what a difficult decision to make!

Dec 2008: i try ending the affair because it's too hard and affecting my relationship with my husband, which i am really trying to fix. the feelings of guilt are killing me!!! but i am happy when i am with ...

Jan 2009: leave job to help me get over affair!

April 2009: still not over the affair. marriage falling apart. constant arguments. can't agree on anything! feelings of resentment on my side over the 3 years he did not visit me. trying to get over it, but i just don't feel like my heart is in this marriage anymore.

April 2010: met ex at an event. we couldn't keep away from each other. started it all over again. feeling guilty for being in love?

August 2010: really want to end my marriage now. i know i can't give it any more. going out of my mind!

Nov 2010: i'm a coward. i haven't told my husband this marriage is over because i don't want to take responsibility for being the unfaithful one. but i feel he is half responsible for the marriage falling apart because he did not visit me over the 3 years when i needed him most.

Dec 2010: i don't know what to do! starting to reassess my priorities, but husband keeps getting inside my head. want to quit my job and stay home with the kids and hide from the world. but i know i will get bored in a couple of weeks.
going away for a week. it will help me clear my head.

Lying to keep others happy?

Everything I do in my life is to make others happy: Mum, Dad, Husband, Kids, Boss...
the list is endless. Only problem is that I am not happy.

Let me give you more details -  my parents are very strict and traditional and have very high expectations, so I do my best not to disappoint. I do everything they ask of me - behaviour, manners, education, appearance, etc. I still do even though I am a grown woman with my own kids now. I always have to take into consideration how they will react to something, or how they would want me to deal with situations.
I even married someone they had setup for me and did not have any real relationship experience before that.

But over the last couple of years I have grown up alot, and what I want from life has changed. I am beginning to realise that I want to do things that my family and my husband may not necessarily approve of.

But I'm worried I will upset them. Every time I think of myself and what I want, I feel guilty.I've tried going behind their backs but it is so hard to keep the secrets. So many lies and having to be extra careful what I say and where I go in case someone sees me. I shouldn't have to lie to keep them happy. and I don't like lying.

How do I get out of this vicious cycle?